Confessions of a Custodian Part 3

Mon, 2010-08-02 14:02 — Nathan Alberson

Read Parts 1 and 2 to understand what's going on.

After my Letter of Expectation, I got depressed. As a teenager, I had been "depressed" in an I'm-gonna-shut-my-door-and-draw-the-blinds-and-listen-to-Radiohead -because-nobody-gets-me sort of a way. But the secret behind my teenage depression was that it was sort of fun. Self-pity is the drug of choice for many teens. It was for me, and it was better than any weed or booze or sex or smoke...

This was different. The day after I got that piece of paper, I felt real anxiety and despair - and it was a real, physical sensation. It felt like someone hollowed out my chest and filled it with churning water. And I wasn't depressed because other people had failed me. I was depressed because the instant my supervisor reprimanded me, I knew I had failed my God.

I prayed to God and repented of my lack - or hatred - of diligence. I repented of my pride. I began to work really hard at the job. I changed those rolls of toilet paper and mopped those floors as unto the Lord. I really did. But that awful, deathly feeling wouldn't go away, and I didn't know why.

By God's grace, my repentance was real. I believed that then and I believe it now. But I still felt bad. I took Thanksgiving vacation and the bad feeling followed me there. I took Christmas vacation, and it followed me there, too.

Finally, God did take it away. I wish there was a good story about that - a movie moment where somebody said something to me, or I read something in the scriptures, or a scroll came down on a beam of light out of heaven, telling me what to do. But it wasn't like that. God let me live that nightmare for a few months, and then one day he simply decided to let me wake up. When I did wake up, I found that he had blessed me with the ability to work hard at my job, and a brand, shiny, new reliance on him.

This week's story has a simple moral: when God kills your sin, it ain't fun. A part of you - a wicked part but a real part - has to die. It's bloody. It feels about as good as getting stabbed. Of course, there's peace and joy and blessing at the other end (more about that next week). But when you're in the middle of those death throes, that's when you really learn to trust him. God has dealt with other sins in my life much more gently and gradually, over the course of years instead of months. But sometimes I think, as hellish as those months were, I almost prefer the quick, brutal approach. But who am I to outthink my Lord and Master's methods? The real moral of the story is - God is faithful.

Note: As always, please use a variation of your real name when posting (e.g. John, JDoe, John Doe) and a working e-mail.

Comments

Mon, 2010-08-02 20:11 — Nate Crum

Self-pity was my drug of

Self-pity was my drug of choice for sure. No wonder we liked to hang out with each other.

Mon, 2010-08-02 23:46 — Nathan

For real. Praise God that he

For real. Praise God that he saved us out of it.

Mon, 2010-09-06 00:00 — David J. Wegener

Ever read about someone named

Ever read about someone named Eustace Scrubb?

"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."

Mon, 2010-11-01 17:17 — Emily Schmemily Walker

Hello. Nathan, thank you so

Hello.

Nathan, thank you so much for writing these things! I totally agree with you that getting rid of sin often feels like a part of you is being ripped out of your life, and not just a little part, but a seemingly valuable one.. Getting rid of my nose ring numerous times to honor my father and mother's authority in my life has been a similar experience. Each time I get rid of it I feel like I'm throwing a piece of my personality in the trash can. And then I feel strange afterward, with little voices questioning my motives and telling me that I really have lost a piece of myself, a good piece too. But hey, what a lie that is. Losing a piece of vanity is always GOOD. The same goes with a bloated ego about one's lack of motivation to work hard.

Thanks again, and persevere.

-Emily

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